Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.