Spreading the Word
TEACHING junior high school English, Miss Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers. One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.
When she graded his paper, Miss Speller added a little note next to his that said, “Maybe next time you will do butter.”
That’s One Fast Bull
AN IOWA FARMER was tired of hearing a Texas rancher brag how everything was the best on his spread. So the farmer invited the Texan out to his Iowa farm if he was ever in the vicinity. “What do you have on your farm that would interest me?” the rancher asked.
“I have a bull that can outrun the train that goes past my place,” the farmer replied.
A few weeks later, the farmer saw the Texan driving up his lane. Realizing that his bluff had been called, he told his teenage son to get rid of the rancher any way he could.
When the Texan asked the boy where his dad was, the son said, “He left this morning for New York. He should be there this afternoon.”
“Did he go by train?” the rancher asked.
“No,” the boy answered. “He went by bull.”
Do the Buck and Wing
A COUPLE went into a pet store to buy a canary. They told the salesman the bird had to be a good singer. They heard a canary singing loudly and remarked, “It’s beautiful, and it sings great.”
But when the salesman took the bird from the cage, the couple said, “Hey, it’s got only one leg!
Salesman replied: What do you want? A singer or a dancer?
IF A BALLOON had a baby, would the sky rocket?
If a nut had a car, would the screwdriver?
If a ship sank, would a safety razor?
To Have and Too Old
The bride, white of hair,
A RED SPORTS CAR screeched to a stop beside a farmer heading out to his field, and the driver asked, “Do you know how I can get to Highway 91?”
The farmer thought about it for a bit and replied, “Nope.”
“Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?” asked the driver.
“Well, how about the town of Hadley? Do you know which direction that is from here?”
Exasperated, the driver threw up his arms and said, “You don’t know very much then, do you?”
“Nope,” the farmer answered. “But I do know that I’m not lost.”
See the Light of Day
DID YOU HEAR about the man who sat down at dusk and waited to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
Just Following Orders
“LOOK at this mess!” roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.
“It’s just as you ordered it, sir,” the waitress replied meekly. “You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it.”
Wisdom of the Ages
• I STARTED OUT with nothing…and still have most of it.
• My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.
• I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don’t remember being absentminded.
• Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
• I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
• When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone decides to play chess.
• It’s hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.