Saturday, April 29, 2006

Plannin a Trip To Texas?

Southern Advice

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to
the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt
to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

.

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help
them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....
Don't buy food at this store.


Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for
"Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them
are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the
proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they
are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is
to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept
them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we
wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

12 comments:

tpiez4me said...

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen by Gawd!
Sharon -

lifes2odd said...

Like I said, you are a nut!! Did I mention that I love nuts? :-)

inquestoftruth said...

Ah dun node whut yew say is th' trooth!!  
~Meg

am4039 said...

funny stuff, lol your a funny one.

fasttrack58 said...

Oh these are great!!
Linda :)

bhbner2him said...

Now, actually the food is quite good in the feedstore with the videos and bait.!  

Should probably warn them that rice is for supper and 'maters go with breakfast.

Actually, they should probably just stay quiet for the first couple of years.  ;o)  -  Barbara

queenb8261 said...

Good advice.
Hugs sis!  Barb  

mtrib2 said...

That is a good thesis for Southern Drawling 101.    I always liked how Easterner's in Massachusetts say "shorts" as in apparel: " I think I will wear my shots today"   lol   mark

randlprysock said...

Exellent!  And where else would ya expect to find a governor named Jeb?  It took me a while to learn all this bein' I'm a northern transplant.  First started off by movin' to VA and then to TX and got the Ya'll into my head.  Now it even sounds like proper English to me.  But I just ain't gonna ever order grits.  I will stay with my cream of wheat, thank you.  LOL.  Oh and collard greens.  We won't be tryin' those either.  LOL.  You are sho right about the Waffle Houses down here.  Even in FL.  I didn't expect to see them over here at all.  But guess what... those yellow signs are all over the place.  Great entry Barbara.  So true.  Hugs,
Lisa
 

butterflies4me04 said...

Waffle houses are up north now too ... I live in Pennslyvania and we have one in lancaster county! But I do know that they are EVERYWHERE in the south ... where as there are hardly any up here! They do have good food though, we (my dad, mom and I) went there one morning on the way back from Flordia when I moved home!

Anyways, good stuff here as always ... thanks for sharing the laughter!

Theresa

sylviam4000 said...

This was interesting reading to an Englishwoman. Gives me a bit of insight into your lives. Thanks.
Sylvia xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/sylviam4000/YeOldeEnglishPosy/

stansgirl2004 said...

Oh yeah i've been to Texas lol
and I'm "FIXIN" on coming again
Hugs, Marina