New Employee Handbook and You Thought Your Boss Was Mean

 

New Employee Handbook

 

Re: DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 

Re: SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 

Re: SURGERY: 

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an e mployee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment. 

Re: PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They fall on
Saturday & Sunday.

Re: VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4, & Dec. 25. 

Re: ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Re: RESTROOM USE: 

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Or de r. For instance,
all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so
on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary

to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both
employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

 

Re: LUNCH BREAK: 
 
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!! Management

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