I WASH my hands of all responsibility for this old-time soap opera:
“Let me hold your Palm, Olive.”
“Not on your Life, Buoy.”
“Well, I guess I’m out of Lux. But Ivory-formed.”
TWO TOURISTS were driving through Louisiana, and as they approached Natchitoches, they disagreed about how to pronounce the name of the town.
When they stopped for lunch, they asked the lady at the counter, “Before we order, you can settle a disagreement for us. Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?”
The lady leaned over the counter and said, “Burr-gerr Kinnng.”
WHAT has six legs and burrows under houses?
THERE once was a lawyer named Bender,
Who worked as a public defender.
Since his limo bumped into a little Ford Pinto,
He’s referred to as defender Bender.
THERE once was a boy name of Daniel,
Who bought a brand-new cocker spaniel.
He didn’t know how to make it bowwow,
Because it didn’t come with a manual.
THERE once was a man from Peru,
Who found a small mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout, and wave it about.
For the rest will want one of them, too.”
IF YOU had 12 piñon nuts in one hand and 13 piñon nuts in the other hand, what would you have?
A difference of a piñon.
CUSTOMER: How much is that bird in the window?
Customer: I’ll take it. Will you send me the bill?
Clerk: The bill comes with the bird.
YOU KNOW you live in the country when…
• Your closet consists of dress jeans for formal occasions and grungy jeans for everyday work.
• The main topic of conversation is which breed of bull to buy next season.
• You prefer the fragrance of fresh-baled hay to the most expensive brand ofperfume.
• You don’t have to buy fertilizer for your garden or flower beds.
• There’s more cattle medicine in your refrigerator than food.
• You get a tractor for Mother’s Day.
JOHN AND MARY, each 50 years old, had lived on the same farm since they were married 25 years ago. They never left the place except to go to town for supplies.
As they were celebrating their silver anniversary, a fairy appeared and told them she would grant them each one wish. Mary said, “I’ve always wanted to travel around the world.” The fairy waved her magic wand and immediately Mary had all the tickets in her hand for a trip around the world.
The fairy turned to John and asked him what his wish would be. He hesitated, then said shyly, “I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than I am.”
The fairy again waved her magic wand, and John was 80 years old.
Can anyone way Corny? These are for you Mom!